Golden Globlogging

(Try saying that ten times fast.)

Award season is upon us...which means it's time for the obligatory should win/will win pieces. Here, then, is my authoritative¹ rundown of the Golden Globes, just in time for tonight's ceremony:

Picture, drama

NOMINEES: Who knows?

WILL WIN: Who cares?

SHOULD WIN: Serenity, because it has more heart, soul, intelligence, wit, thrills, and suspense than any other movie this year.


Actress, drama

NOMINEES: Who knows?

WILL WIN: Who cares?

SHOULD WIN: Summer Glau (Serenity), outstanding as the tormented-waif-slash-kickass-killing-machine who is the target of the Bad Guys.


Actor, drama

NOMINEES: Who knows?

WILL WIN: Who cares?

SHOULD WIN: Nathan Fillion (Serenity), as the most appealing action hero since Han Solo...whose crisis of faith and conscience is the heart of the movie.


Picture, musical or comedy

NOMINEES: Who knows?

WILL WIN: Who cares?

SHOULD WIN: Serenity, which had most of the funniest lines of 2005.


Actress, musical or comedy

NOMINEES: Who knows?

WILL WIN: Who cares?

SHOULD WIN: Jewel Staite (Serenity), whose comic sweetness gave the movie some of its funniest moments.


Actor, musical or comedy

NOMINEES: Who knows?

WILL WIN: Who cares?

SHOULD WIN: Alan Tudyk (Serenity), who breathes fresh life into the wisecracking-in-the-face-of-doom schtick.


Supporting actress

NOMINEES: Who knows?

WILL WIN: Who cares?

SHOULD WIN: Gina Torres (Serenity), who excels throughout but is particularly effective in the most heartbreaking scene of the movie. (Between her and Summer Glau, it's a tossup who gets lead and who gets supporting; this is an arbitrary choice.)


Supporting actor

NOMINEES: Who knows?

WILL WIN: Who cares?

SHOULD WIN: Chiwetel Ejiafor (Serenity), for a portrayal of evil as nuanced as it is terrifying.


Director

NOMINEES: Who knows?

WILL WIN: Who cares?

SHOULD WIN: Joss Whedon (Serenity). Well, duh.


Screenplay

NOMINEES: Who knows?

WILL WIN: Who cares?

SHOULD WIN: Joss Whedon (Serenity), for packing more humor, heartbreak, tension, and genuine humanity into a single script than most screenwriters get into a lifetime of films.

Television: The Wire and Deadwood should split the drama awards; Arrested Development, Extras, and My Name Is Earl should split the comedy awards.

NOTE: None of the foregoing should be construed as a slight against any of the movies that are actually nominated, some of which have their passionate adherents (Phil, this means you). The truth is, a) I only saw one movie in a theatre this year (guess which one), and b) its omission from the nominations is such an egregious miscarriage of justice that I cannot let it go unanswered.

¹'Authoritative', in this context, meaning 'completely subjective and with no regard for the opinion of anyone other than myself'.

[That's all, folks]