The Wave of the Future?

Detroit (f-A-ke. P.) -

Chrysler Chief Sees Link of Housing to Car Sales

Chrysler's new chief, Robert L. Nardelli is concerned that problems in the housing market and the broader economy are hurting car and truck sales. So today he announced an new initiative designed to stimulate flagging sales:

Today Chrysler is launching the 'Live In Your Car America!' campaign.

Wouldn't you like to have a beautiful new Chrysler 300 rather than a squalid closet in Hell's Kitchen? We're just saying to Americans, don't worry about those foreclosure notices. Don't worry about skyrocketing prices or plunging values. Sell your house and buy a Durango. We'll even throw in a free mattress and a shaver attachment. Your kids will love with our built-in entertainment systems. The only thing we can't provide is a toilet, but hey...that's what truck stops are for, right?

It comes down to this: When you think housing, we want you to think 'Chrysler'! Because, let's face it, a 30 years fixed-rate on a Town & Country is gonna give you a very affordable payment.

Tags: Chrysler, Robert Nardelli, satire, economy, housing

Kvatch's Kocktail Hour - Machiavelli's Mojito

It's Friday and time once again for Kvatch's Kocktail Hour. This afternoon we honor Karl Rove with a drink created by the great man himself:

Machiavelli's Mojito

- 2 oz lime juice
- 2 oz rum
- 2 oz club soda
- Hemlock leaves, crushed

Popular at White House parties honoring the Democratic congressional leadership.

Check out Rove on the Rocks at Blognonymous and The Enduring Majority at The Unruly Mob.

Paris or Los Angeles?

The battle's on my San Franciscan friends, and the Chronicle has identified precisely what's at stake. We're going to get a chance to decide what kind of city we want to be because two upcoming ballot measures are directly in conflict with each other.

First the initiatives: On the one hand we've got billionaire and GAP founder, Don Fisher assisted by bunches of merchants groups who want to stuff more cars into our city by relaxing the rules on the creation of off-street parking. On the other hand we've got SF Board of Supervisors President, Aaron Peskin and the liberals who want to provide additional funding for MUNI (our municipal transit system). But here's the problem, the MUNI initiative also reaffirms our current parking restrictions. So we can't have it both ways.

Now for some numbers: This city has approximately 470,000 vehicles registered to it's 820,000 inhabitants. That's low by American standards, but what isn't low is the fact that it translates to almost 10,000 vehicles packed into every one of our 49 square miles. On top of that, on any weekday another 35K cars are driven into San Francisco.

Now the merchants will tell you that this shouldn't be a "transit only city", but they're wrong. If there is any city in America that should be transit only (or at least very, very transit-friendly) it's San Francisco! Do we want more downtown congestion? No! Do we want more pollution? No! Do we want more frustrated cagers clogging up our transit lanes, maiming our pedestrians, bicyclists, and each other? NO!!!

In short people, San Francisco should remain a transit first city because we simply don't have the square mileage to be another Los Angeles, and really...who needs another LA anyway?

Kvatch's Kocktail Hour - The Pacemaker

Once again it's Friday and time for Kvatch's Kocktail Hour. This afternoon we honor Vice President Coronary with a drink concocted especially for him:

The Pacemaker

- 4 parts mescal (complete with a low-fat worm)
- 1 part butane
- Stir very...VERY gently

If this doesn't give your ticker a jolt, nothing will.

Check out some other cocktails at Blognonymous and The Unruly Mob.

Future Headlines - WoT Expands to Second Life

WAR ON TERRORISM EXPANDS TO SECOND LIFE

"WE MUST FIGHT THEM IN THERE, SO WE DON'T HAVE TO FIGHT THEM OUT HERE," BUSH SAYS

'SURGE' INTO SECOND LIFE ANNOUNCED

CHICKENHAWKS RUSH TO SIGN UP, SAY "BETTER IN THERE THAN IN IRAQ"

Updated 2007/08/02, 9:20 am:

SOCIETY OF JESUS TO SAVE SECOND LIFE'S SINNERS

Laws? We don' need no stinkin' laws!

Impersonating a law enforcement officer is illegal everywhere and is usually a pretty serious offense. So when you find someone doing it, my guess is that it's often for monetary gain, and there is no question in the perp's mind that it's illegal. Not so Jay Garrity, the controversial ex-aide to Mitt Romney who apparently created bogus law enforcement badges so that he and other Romney staffers could intimidate reporters, avoid tolls, and gain early access to campaign venues.

So why does this seem so god-damned offensive? Perhaps because it's symptomatic of laissez faire attitude toward law that has a huge proponent in the current administration. I mean, why shouldn't Romney's staffers do what it takes to gain advantage over the other GOP hopefuls? They're not hurting anybody...not really. So what does it matter if they break a few laws in the process? Bush and his administration do it...all the time. Hell, in the name of national security, Bush has taken to creating law by executive fiat.

Of course, for those of us on the other side, this looks like imperial arrogance. "You want documents on how we politicized the Justice Department? F*ck you! We're the GOP and we do what we want." "Filibusters? F*ck you! We're the GOP, and we'll use any tactic that furthers our goals even ones we threatened to take away from you." "Impersonating an officer? Well...f*ck you! We do what we must to get our man elected. We're serving the greater good here."

Conservatives often argue that things are different now--that sometimes we need to go to extremes to protect our country. Well, I don't know about protecting the country, but on the former point I have to agree. Things certainly are different now. We know this because ordinary people have internalized the "whatever it takes" attitude. They're learning the lesson that Bu$hCo is teaching.

Kvatch's Kocktail Hour - The Harriet Miers

The GOP has had a hard week. The DC Madam, executive privilege, Friday the 13th. But let's not kick 'em while they're down. Let's lift one in their honor, and I've got just the thing for an embittered minority party:

The Harriet Miers:

- 5 parts vodka infused with collard greens
- 1 part Absinthe

The only drink more bitter than the former Supreme Court nominee.

More drinks at Blognonymous and The Unruly Mob.

Vice President Terminator

As the 'Draft Cheney' campaign swings into high gear, concerns about the Vice President's health are being raised. Pundits wonder if the Veep will be able to endure an arduous campaign...



...but today those concerns were laid to rest when the Vice President announced that he would move his brain to a Cyberdyne Systems Model 101 hyper-alloy combat chassis.

Speculation is already brewing about a trip to Iraq to deal with the insurgents once and for all.

Latin America Here We Come

Washington (f-A-ke. P.) -

As President Bush embarks on his Latin American tour, the White House has announced that it is no longer cost effective to produce the adoring crowds that accompany the Mr. Bush to all of his speeches.

Americans are too expensive and, quite frankly, no longer as enthusiastic as we need them to be. You can't count on the Latin Americans either. Might shout pro-Chavez slogans at any moment. So we've decided to go with Bollywood extras. They're cheap. You can't beat 'em for enthusiasm. They look great, and man can they dance!

...explained Press Secretary Snow.

When asked if this might be referred to as "image out-sourcing" Mr. Snow declined to comment.

When You've Got A Dearth of Ideas...

Washington (f-A-ke. P.) -

House Minority Leader, John Boehner, admitted today that the GOP is intellectually bankrupt and could use an influx of new ideas. "We're thinking outside the box here," Rep. Boehner said "...considering all possible sources. Because frankly, we've got nothing."

Boehner's statement was timed to coincide with the announcement of an RNC funded Reality TV show that would solicit ideas from the conservative base. Outgoing RNC Chairman, Ken Mehlman, said of the new show -

I think that this may be my legacy to the GOP, and I'm pretty excited about it. We're thinking of calling it The Strategist and using the format of NBC's The Apprentice. Karl Rove wants to be our 'Donald'. How about that, huh?!

Though it's not known how ideas and contestants will be eliminated from the show, one rumor suggested that the tagline, "That's just a stupid liberal idea..." might be used.

Ideas for The Strategist's first season include:

• Debt reducing bake sales at GOP fundraising events
• Faith-based outreach programs for disgraced Republican lawmakers
• TV shows like Pimp My Stock Car, designed to bring Blacks and Latinos into the NASCAR fold

Coming To A Bin Near You...

LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- Travelers nationwide could soon see ads for laptops, expensive cars and other products in the trays that carry their shoes and cell phones through X-ray machines at airport security checkpoints.

It couldn't be, could it?

Bolton resigns
	Rumsfeld nominated as next UN Ambassador

(Oh God...please stop me before I again put fingers to keys!)

National Meth Awareness Day

Do you know where your pastor is?

A Turkey Day Post Mortem

Now that Thanksgiving is over, let me just say this and then the recriminations can begin.

I hate turkey!!!

I know it's traditional. I know that turkey is the bird that people love to dump on. They're stupid. They're slow. But you know what else? They-don't--taste--good! I mean, I don't like football either, but that's only because I'm an un-American kook. And so I have to ask: What compels American families rush out to buy a bird that, once cooked, can only be choked down when it's smothered in gravy and stuffing? AAAUUUGGGGHHHH!

For our part, the Frogette and I spent a wonderful Thanksgiving with friends who think about turkey the same way that we do. In other words, they fixed some awesome steaks and we brought pies and non-traditional veggies to go with it. And I really think this gets to the heart of the matter. Why do we have this one meal every year where we eat foods that we wouldn't ordinarily prepare? Cranberry sauce? Never touch the stuff...except at Thanksgiving. And when was the last time you fixed yams?!

So here's a suggestion: Be extra thankful next year by letting the sad, stupid birds live out their lives. Have a steak or a special fish. If you're a Muslim, how about lamb? Jewish? Maybe a nice brisket, but please, please, please don't make me face more dry white meat!

I Want My Goddamned Spectacle

Saddam Hussein was convicted today and sentenced to hang for crimes against Iraqis.

Wow...big surprise there. But after the most expensive prosecution in human history, I have to ask: We've spent $400B and all we get is a hanging!? For that price I would expect to see the gates of Hell open and Satan himself emerge to duck-walk Saddam down into the fiery pit.

I want my goddamned spectacle...on national TV!

"Reagan! I didn't vote for him. He's dead!"

I've long maintained that if this election is stolen by the Rethuglicans it won't be due to some sophisticated mass reprogramming of touch-screen voting machines. The infernal devices are not suddenly going to report GOP victories because, although reprogramming is possible, it would require a huge conspiracy to pull off in a way that would swing an election.

No. What we are going to see is AccuVote machines (and others like them) crashing by the hundreds...by the thousands. Poll workers taking incorrect or inappropriate measures to fix the problems, such as rebooting the devices while the polls are open. Improper calibrations that favor GOP candidates. In fact, reports are already starting to come in of machines that won't choose Democrats, machines that freeze up, and machines set up to hide or obscure Democratic candidate's names (Webb). And where will these shenanigans hit the hardest? In dense urban areas where higher voter volumes are handled at each precinct. Unfortunately for us, these are also the districts where Democrats are strongest and where the GOP can benefit most from dampening turnout.

So what do we have to do? Remain vigilant and document, Document, DOCUMENT!!! It's not enough to provide anecdotal evidence of election fraud. We need the proof! So carry a camera with you to the polls and photograph your ballot, the screen, whatever. And, if you experience a screwup, DOCUMENT IT!!! Write down what happened, get photographs. Don't let election workers intimidate you. Our democracy is at stake here!

I live in a safe district where we use optical scan machines, and I'll be carrying my camera with me on election day.

An Ode On Starbucks

Our customers will often say
"Your store's too many feet away..."
And so we build where stores are not
McDonald's of the double-'oughts

And neither can the others flee
We're going to buy them all you see
Seattle's Best and Pasqua's too
We'll soon get Peet's and Caribou

We'll build and buy, and fill in space
To shove our logo in your face
So from our reach there's no escape
You may as well accept your fate
And buy your coffee from our stores
They're in your office...every floor!

"As the Iraqis stand up, I will stand down."

Baghdad (f-A-ke. P.) -

General George Casey, US military commander in Iraq, said today that Iraqi security forces would be able to take over responsibility for securing the country in 26 months, 23 days, 18 hours, 40 minutes, and 12 seconds. When it was pointed out that his estimate would coincide with the exact moment when President George W. Bush is destined to leave office, General Casey replied, "It does? Well isn't that a strange coincidence."

The Mouth of Sauron (R PA)

Santorum started this with his bonehead Lord of the Rings comparison. I'm just taking it to it's logical conclusion.

Coincidence? I don't think so!

Blame D.K. Raed. It's his fault for getting me thinking along these lines. :-)

Better Than A Signing Statement