Make Your Own Alberto Gonzales Testimony!

That's right! Dissembling has never been easier! Or more obvious! Or more pathetic!

Yes, friends, with Mr. NiP's Do-it-Yourself Alberto Gonzalez Testimony Kit, you can answer question after question and say absolutely nothing! All it takes is an intelligent inquisitor, a pair of ordinary dice, and our patented Secret Key Sheet! With the Do-it-Yourself Alberto Gonzalez Testimony Kit, you can turn out reams of testimony like this—in minutes!!

Inquisitor: Mr. Attorney General, did you fire eight U. S. Attorneys for political reasons?

Gonzales: I don't understand the question.

I: I asked you, very plainly, if you fired eight U. S. Attorneys for political reasons. Did you?

G: I don't know.

I: You don't know if you fired people??

G: I don't recall.

I: How can you not recall firing people?

G: I can't answer that question.

I: Why not?

G: I don't know.

I: You don't know why you can't answer the question??

G: It would depend on the circumstances of the case and the recommendations coming up and the facts.

I: All right, then … what were the facts?

G: I don't recall.

I: Why are you refusing to answer this question?

G: Your question relates to an ongoing controversy which I am recused from, and I'm not going to answer that question.

I: Is there anyone in the Department of Justice that can answer the question?

G: I would be happy to get back to you with that kind of information. But I don't know the answer to your question. But I can certainly find out, and if I can answer that question, I will answer it.

I: You can't tell me who else is in the Department of Justice??

G: I don't recall.

I: Mr. Attorney General, are you an idiot?

G: That is certainly something that is of serious discussion and debate within the administration.


What’s our secret? It's the DITYAGT kit's secret dice-roll odds-balanced key sheet! When the inquisitor asks a question, you simply roll the dice, and match the number on the dice with the answer on the key sheet! Here's the key sheet:

2. May I respond to that?

3. It would depend on the circumstances of the case and the recommendations coming up and the facts.

4. I would be happy to get back to you with that kind of information. But I don't know the answer to your question. But I can certainly find out, and if I can answer that question, I will answer it.

5. I can't answer that question.

6. I don't know.

7. I don't recall.

8. Mr. Chairman, your question relates to an ongoing controversy which I am recused from, and I'm not going to answer that question.

9. I'm not sure what you’re referring to.

10. I don't understand the question.

11. That is certainly something that is of serious discussion and debate within the administration.

12. I understand that prior statements I made may have been confusing. I'm sorry if you misunderstood my response.


Try it yourself, and see! It's nothing to face up to a Congressional Panel … the DITYAGT kit churns out hundreds of answers—while you just roll the dice! Isn't that amazing!! Call before midnight tonight and receive the George W. Bush Auto-Blather Kit absolutely free! But wait! There's more! Order two DITYAGT kits and receive the Bush Blather kit and the Ronald Reagan / Peggy Noonan Slushy Claptrap Generator both absolutely free! Call now!

Sample testimony shown here is fictitious and was created using the Do-it-Yourself Alberto Gonzalez Testimony Kit. No such testimony ever actually took place. Mr. Nip is not responsible for investigations, arrests, or persons being held indefinitely without due process of law at Gitmo resulting from using the Do-it-Yourself Alberto Gonzalez Testimony Kit.

(Feel free to post your own do-'em-yourself exchanges with the Attorney General in comments. I originally conceived this as a computer program that would contain dozens of different "Gonzales" answers and issue them at random … but I don't have the time to create it. Sorry. The dice and their eleven [odds-balanced] answers will have to do! Have fun, folks!)