Friday, September 04, 2009

Real Americans Don't Need Their Pinkies Anyway

They discussed pros and cons, and the fact that Rice is retired and that the injury was to a relatively unimportant finger on his non-dominant hand. Still, the doctor tried to talk Rice into reattachment. "He disagreed with that plan," Carraway-Bowman said. "He left the tip of his finger with us and he went home."
William "9.75-Finger" Rice knows that a pinky finger (pink is just a shade of red, after all) is only useful for Harvard-educated liberal-socialist elites to stick out while they toast Osama Bin Laden with cups of green tea.

Everyone knows the most important finger -- the one you could least afford to lose -- is the middle one you raise towards the American flag at the secessionist rally; towards anyone who isn't white, heterosexual, or likes to quote Thomas Jefferson out of context; or towards the Constitution and any part of the Bill of Rights other than the 2nd or 10th amendments.

A close second is the index finger, which you need to pull the trigger on your AK-47 while you're watering the tree of liberty, etc.

In fact, every true tea-party patriot who opposes socialized medicine and government death panels (private-industry death panels are OK, just to be clear) should go straight to the kitchen, grab the biggest meat cleaver he can find (you do have several to choose from, don't you?) and lop that troublesome, Nazi-socialist-Marxist-terrorist-sympathizing digit right off, in protest. Hell, chop off several fingers, while you're at it. Don't even think about having them reattached, because emergency rooms in major-city trauma centers are mostly taxpayer-subsidized by the goddamn nanny-state government.

And come to think of it, this business about opposable thumbs has to be a communist plot...

[cross-posted at Blue Mass Group]