Transcript from TMN

Announcer: You're watching TMN … the Tawdry, Manipulative News Channel.

[slushy, "dramatic" synthesizer music]

Announcer: And now … TMN presents … the Sunrise Report. With anchors Sneering Jerk …

[video clip showing the back of SJ's head; he suddenly whips around 180 and sneers directly into the camera]

… and Simpering Twit …

[back of ST's head; she whips around and simpers into the camera]

Also featuring meteorologist Squirrelly Little Wimp … [shot of SLW giving a toothy in front of a weather map]

… and Big Ugly Moron at the sports desk [shot of BUM at sports desk looking quite bovine].

[slushy music reaches final cadence, but dopey rock n' roll beat continues in background]

SJ: Good morning, I'm Sneering Jerk.

ST: And I'm Simpering Twit.

SJ: You know, Simpering, a person can die at any time, and for many different reasons.

ST: That's right, Sneery! You never know when the Grim Reaper is going to come for you. And that's why TMN is dedicated to keeping our viewers up to date on all the ways they could die … at any moment!

[continued below the fold …]


SJ: After all, there are terrorists plotting as we speak to kill us all!

ST: Absolutely! And there are horrible diseases that could become epidemics and kill you and your children!

SJ: And don't forget, there was that jumbo jet that crashed ten years ago … it could happen again!

ST: Exactly! And even if you're not on that plane, it could fall on you and kill you!

SJ: Sobering thoughts, Simpering. Which brings us to this week's edition of our ongoing special report, You Could Die Today.

[scary music]

[A montage of flying graphics, including planes crashing, terrorists with machine guns, virulent microbes under a microscope, floodwaters drowning whole towns, soccer riots, and car wrecks, all culminating in an array of human skulls accompanied by the words "YOU COULD DIE TODAY."]

Dr. TDAH: Hello, I'm Doctor Tall Dark and Handsome. This week, we look at the tragic death of Allan Pinkerton, founder of the famous detective agency that bears his name. Pinkerton took many risks in his career, including carrying out many undercover operations during the Civil War. He faced peril and even death many times … but how do you suppose he died?

[ominous music; video clip of a guy walking down the street, with the word "Dramatization" at the bottom of the screen]

Dr. TDAH: Pinkerton died one day while simply walking down the street—he slipped on the sidewalk and fell … [guy in video slips and falls; in the music, the bass trombone hits a loud, low note, and the cellos play a tremolo pedal-tone] … and when he fell, he accidentally bit his own tongue. [violins play high, screechy notes; guy in video grabs his own mouth in pain and rolls around on the sidewalk]

[Video dissolve to Dr. TDAH sitting in studio]

Dr. TDAH: Pinkerton soon developed gangrene from the wound in his tongue … and died soon after that.

[cut to SJ and ST]

ST: Just from walking down the sidewalk! And this could happen to anyone, couldn't it, Dr. Handsome?

Dr. TDAH: That's correct, Simpering. And at any time. And we're of course approaching the end of summer, which means that winter is just around the corner … and it's then that due to icy conditions, the slipping-on-the-sidewalk factor is at its most treacherous.

SJ: But we shouldn't discount the risk factor during summer, should we, Doctor?

Dr. TDAH: Not at all, Sneering … with people buying fresh fruit from sidewalk vendors in summer, the deadly banana-peel factor is greatly increased.

ST: So, Doctor, what can we tell our viewers about how they can avoid dying of gangrene after slipping on the sidewalk?

Dr. TDAH: Well, Simpering, there are a number of precautions that people can take to avoid this tragic syndrome:

[superimposed "bulleted" items appear in animated text as TDAH mentions them]

· Avoid walking places

Avoid walking from one place to another, especially on sidewalks. We recommend driving a car to get where you're going. Of course, that mode of transportation is fraught with risks of its own, but it greatly reduces the risk of slipping on the sidewalk and possibly contracting gangrene.

· Use only the best sidewalks

If you must use sidewalks, try to use only the smoothest, most even sidewalks. Avoid sidewalks with many cracks or uneven sections that could promote tripping. We recommend stepping off the sidewalk and walking in the street if you should come across a section of a sidewalk in ill repair.

· Try to fall on your back

If you must slip and fall while walking on a sidewalk, try to fall on your back, so that both gravity and the impact will pull your tongue towards the back of your mouth, away from your teeth.

· Avoid doing anything at all

And, of course, the best way to avoid the many risks of dying that surround us every day is to do nothing at all.

SJ: Except to keep tuned to TMN for the latest news!

Dr. TDAH: That's right, Sneering.

ST: Because the one possible manner of dying you miss on TMN might be the one that kills you!

Dr. TDAH: Exactly, Simpering.

ST: Thanks, Dr. Handsome, for that good advice!

Dr. TDAH: You're welcome. Back to you, Simpering and Sneering.

SJ: And don't forget that TMN's own Dr. Handsome hosts our nightly show, "Primetime Deathwatch!" … right here on TMN. Tonight, Dr. Handsome tells us about a way you could die by simply sitting at home, watching television!

ST: Really? What could that be?

SJ: You'll have to tune in to find out!

ST: I'll be tuning in!

SJ: Me, too! And now, in other news this morning, three people are dead, as a result of …

[Etc., etc., etc.]

[Trivia note: The story of Allan Pinkerton's death is true.]

[That's all, folks]