Saturday, July 21, 2007

Things You Should Know



  1. Only a sociopath would talk on a cell phone while driving. Not a sociopath? Don't talk on your cell phone while driving.

  2. It takes longer than 3 seconds to cross the street. If the countdown clock is at 3 seconds, wait for the next light.

  3. If the secondary music from your iPod drowns out what I'm trying to listen to on mine, you're destroying your hearing. I said, YOU'RE DESTROYING YOUR HEARING.

  4. That red octagonal thing that says S-T-O-P? That's a stop sign. That means you fucking stop. And yes, bicyclists, that means you.

  5. While I've got the attention of my two-wheeled readers: 'self-righteous asshole' is a redundancy. A lot of bicyclists think they can be self-righteous without being assholes; sadly, this is not the case.

  6. Also: get off the fucking sidewalk.

  7. If you have any ego at all invested in what you drive, you paid a lot more for it than it's worth.

  8. Corollary: if you think your car makes you look cool, then everyone else just thinks you're an asshole1. Really--go ahead and ask them. "So, what do you think of my Beemer?" "Hey, isn't this Hummer awesome?"

  9. Golf umbrellas should never, ever be used on city streets. (Rule of thumb: if the square footage of your umbrella2--leased out at average downtown office rates for your city--is worth more than $100/month, your umbrella is too big for your city.) Golf umbrellas should be used only on the golf course--preferably as a violent thunderstorm is rapidly approaching. Also, they work much better if you put a big piece of metal on top. Trust me on this.


1Does not apply to vehicles manufactured before 1967, which really do make you look cool.

2a = πr2