- Only a sociopath would talk on a cell phone while driving. Not a sociopath? Don't talk on your cell phone while driving.
- It takes longer than 3 seconds to cross the street. If the countdown clock is at 3 seconds, wait for the next light.
- If the secondary music from your iPod drowns out what I'm trying to listen to on mine, you're destroying your hearing. I said, YOU'RE DESTROYING YOUR HEARING.
- That red octagonal thing that says S-T-O-P? That's a stop sign. That means you fucking stop. And yes, bicyclists, that means you.
- While I've got the attention of my two-wheeled readers: 'self-righteous asshole' is a redundancy. A lot of bicyclists think they can be self-righteous without being assholes; sadly, this is not the case.
- Also: get off the fucking sidewalk.
- If you have any ego at all invested in what you drive, you paid a lot more for it than it's worth.
- Corollary: if you think your car makes you look cool, then everyone else just thinks you're an asshole1. Really--go ahead and ask them. "So, what do you think of my Beemer?" "Hey, isn't this Hummer awesome?"
- Golf umbrellas should never, ever be used on city streets. (Rule of thumb: if the square footage of your umbrella2--leased out at average downtown office rates for your city--is worth more than $100/month, your umbrella is too big for your city.) Golf umbrellas should be used only on the golf course--preferably as a violent thunderstorm is rapidly approaching. Also, they work much better if you put a big piece of metal on top. Trust me on this.
1Does not apply to vehicles manufactured before 1967, which really do make you look cool.
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